Celeb Blogger Alex Perorazio. Photo by Erica McKeehen.

There are three things I never want to see during my time on Earth: Kiefer Sutherland when he is not Jack Bauer on “24,” Brooke Shields at a nightclub and a bar fight involving people over the age of 40.

Unfortunately, all three of these things happened last week in New York City.

Okay, let me set the scene. Brooke Shields was at a nightclub in NYC at a support party for Tupperware’s Confidence Campaign for the Boys and Girls Club of America. Why this charity event took place at a bar I do not know. I guess nothing sends a better message to the youth of America than $2 cherry bombs.

Anyway, apparently there were a lot of B-Listy people in attendance, like celebrity chef Bobby Flay, “The View”’s resident Jesus freak Sherri Shepherd, some chick from one of the “Law and Order”s, and fashion designer Jack McCullough, who I’ve never heard of. So I’m guessing Sutherland walked into this joint like he owned the place. However, I’m pretty sure Sherri Shepherd owned the appetizers.

At one point in the evening, McCullough bumped into Shields and did not apologize. This upset Sutherland, who approached the designer and ordered him to apologize. From there, things escalated from heated argument to Sutherland going all “24” on this guy’s ass and head-butting him. Lawsuits and “Entertainment Tonight” interviews followed.

Okay, that’s the official story being reported. Here’s the gossipy tabloid version.

Apparently, after the “Look what good we are doing for poor inner-city children” speeches, the cocktails started flowing. At approximately 2 a.m., McCullough bumps into Shields and, being a bitchy, wannabe designer, is too much of a diva to apologize. Sutherland decides this is the best fight he is going to be able to pick all night and the two have at it. Rumor has it that Shields was blacked out and doesn’t remember this at all — allegedly. Please don’t have Sutherland come to my dorm and head-butt me into submission.

In my opinion, everyone is at fault in this situation. First of all, Sutherland is a raging alcoholic with several DUIs under his belt, jail-time and documented anger issues. Clearly this man should not be let out without a handler. Also, shame on whoever sent him an invitation to an event taking place at a nightclub where drinking is encouraged. I blame Tupperware.

Shields is 44 with two children. This woman should not be at a bar at 2 a.m. The only thing Shields should be drinking at 2 a.m. is the milk left for Santa on Christmas Eve. And shame on McCullough, whoever you are. Don’t you know that Shields is one of the most glamorous women of all time and a style icon? The woman got everyone to think Calvin Klein jeans were cool. She is a miracle worker. Any glimmer of hope that your clothes will be worn by anyone besides the cast of “The Real Housewives of New York City” just went to Hell in a handbasket.

This whole situation is incredibly embarrassing for everyone involved, and with an impending court case it is not likely to go away soon. But I will offer some advice to all those involved.

Tupperware, next year skip the free booze and just serve leftovers out of the fridge like Tupperware is supposed to. Sutherland, I hear there is a nice room next to Tara Reid’s at Promises Rehabilitation Center in Malibu. McCullough, ride this publicity wave as long as you can. And for God’s sake Shields, stop giving Lindsay Lohan a run for her money. Competitive drinking is all she has left.

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